I don’t often have trouble with winter. In fact, it’s always been my favorite season. But this year I’m having trouble. I just feel like I need the sunshine – really badly. I’m in a funk that I just can’t shake.
I was in a great mood and totally happy until about three or four days before Christmas, and since then it’s just been going down hill. A slippery slope into the brink of despair. Increasingly, I feel myself shutting down. That’s not a good thing.
I don’t have a plan. I don’t know how to shake it. I’m definitely going to eliminate all news media from my world because it doesn’t contribute anything positive or constructive to my life. I’m finding myself increasingly dependent on St. John’s Wort (my herbal prozac), but with diminishing effects. Even my Lovely Logger Man is kind of in the same funk – but caused by chronic pain because of a couple horrible logging accidents in his past. So when I talk to him, and he’s super cranky, it doesn’t help my mood either. I’m making him cupcakes for his (belated) birthday – I wonder if I should sprinkle some St. John’s Wort in the whipped cream that I put on top. 
I’m just sad right now. Depleted. Having a hard time seeing the good. Even when I sit down to record my gratitude in my journal in the evenings, it’s becoming a real stretch to find things to record. But thankfully, I’m still able to find something. So that’s a glimmer of hope.
I’m so happy to have my crazy puppy because she makes me laugh. Which is another glimmer of hope.
I just pulled up my vacation accrual schedule, and I see that I have about 10 days of vacation time saved up. I think this weekend when LLM comes down to my place, I’m going to see if I can somehow talk him into a vacation of some sort. We both need it. I know he’ll combat it with “I need to work” – but as the saying goes: “You can get busy living, or you can get busy dying…” And right now, I think work is killing us both.
In utopia, there will be no money, and no need to stay at an un-fulfilling job to make the green monster to continue living unhappily. In utopia all you’ll have to do is work in your garden, cut wood for winter, take care of your animals and each other, and watch the wildlife. I know we both need to find that utopia soon. I wonder if I can talk him into making that move to leave civilization behind. We both want it bad. Even if it’s for a year – to take a break and re-kindle our souls.
(Ha – I just got an email offering a free FAM trip to Mexico for meeting planners. Heh heh. That would be great. I need to get my passport….)
