Another observation:  What is it about a chocolate chip cookie that you’ll eat even if it’s not that good?

But back to the first observation…  I understand the whole healthy body image thing.  The “size healthy” movement.  But I swear, all those women are skinny to begin with.  Aside from the woman in NJ who wants to weigh 1,000 pounds, most women would prefer to be slim.  It’s easy to say you’re happy with your weight when you weight 125 pounds.  I’m not saying every woman wants to be “scary skinny” – but slim.  Fit.  No muffin top.  No wondering if your jeans will fit today.  No short sleeve blouses cutting into the tops of your arms.   No “good gracious” when you see your hips reflected in a window…

Ever since my Mom died four years ago, I’ve struggled with my weight.  I was always one of those 130 girls with beautiful curves.  Loved it.  But when my Mom passed away I found comfort in food, and pretty much shut myself up in my house.  Not good for my physique.  I ended up gaining about 40 pounds.

Since then I’ve lost about 20 pounds – but it fluctuates.  Right now, I’m only down about 7 pounds from my all-time high.  Ugh.  Not too happy about that.  So I’ve started journaling my food consumption ala Sparkpeople again.  I’ve been doing this on and off for nearly three years.  But I’ve also tried to start working out more.  I put one of my bikes on a mag trainer in my house.  Bought a couple workout DVDs (which mysteriously stopped working on my laptop as of last night… gotta figure that one out this evening.)  But as of right now, I’m still not losing weight.

I gained nearly 15 pounds over the past year since I met my beau.  I guess happiness and comfort don’t bode well for the hips.  I also recognize that bread and sugar are my enemies.  But gosh, I have a hard time staying away from the darn bread!  It’s like a tractor beam…

So for now, I’ll just keep on keeping on, and hope to god I can lose some of this weight.  Because I’m not happy with my size.  I don’t feel “size healthy”.  And I’m not comfortable in my clothes. 

I think the thing that I’ve been noticing on some other women’s weight loss blogs is the theme of making a goal.  So my goal is that I want to weight 127 pounds.  That’s 30 pounds away right now.  But I don’t know how long that will take.

Is it safe to say 10 pounds per month?

So by June 17th, I’d like to weigh 127 pounds.  That is my goal.

I took a mental health day on February 1st – I was suffering from terrible headaches (most likely from stress), and my LLM was in town and decided to go see a back doctor.  So I took the day off, called in sick, and we slept late, went to his doctor, went and helped his Dad, then (the most important part) – bought me a brand spanking new mattress.  I haven’t slept on a real mattress in over 20 years.  Seriously.  I went from a waterbed in my teens, to sleeping on various futons for the past 15 years.

I swear to the gods, I honestly believe the new mattress helped get me out of my funk.  I wasn’t sleeping well at all – waking up in the middle of the night for hours on end.  My neck was always out of alignment.  So I decided it was time to be a grown up and buy myself a new mattress.  It’s LUXURIOUS!  It’s a lovely, thick, pillow top mattress that feels like you’re sleeping on the clouds of heaven.  I’m in love. 

I also finally got to go skiing this past weekend.  It was a neat day.  The fog was so thick, but perfectly blue skies above it.  So I was skiing in and out between thick fog and blinding sunshine.  The snow was terrific too.

So I feel like I’ve come full circle out of my funk, and I’m so utterly happy about that.  I’m not someone who normally suffers from depression.  Oh sure, I get frustrated with humanity (sometimes more frequently than I’d like to admit), but depression doesn’t grip me too often.

On the 2nd of February (Groundhog Day!), I celebrated (loosely) my one-year blogiversary.  My creativity blog is much more active than this one, and it’s the reason I began blogging.  To hold myself accountable to being creative, as a challenge, for one year straight.  I learned a lot about myself, creatively, in that year.  The most important thing was that I clearly create in spurts.  Now, after going crafting ~*~cRaZy~*~ for the holidays, I find myself taking a mid-winter break.  I’m reading, listening to pod casts, lounging in baths and being totally lazy.  And I’m okay with that.  It’s what winter is for, right?  But I do have a long list of projects I want to work on… so I think my lazy break will have to be short lived.

Anyway – here’s to the bright future of 2010.

Here’s to lifting the fog of winter drear-dom.

Here’s to reading, lounging and enjoying your own company.

I was in a great mood and totally happy until about three or four days before Christmas, and since then it’s just been going down hill.  A slippery slope into the brink of despair.  Increasingly, I feel myself shutting down.  That’s not a good thing.

I don’t have a plan.  I don’t know how to shake it.  I’m definitely going to eliminate all news media from my world because it doesn’t contribute anything positive or constructive to my life. I’m finding myself increasingly dependent on St. John’s Wort (my herbal prozac), but with diminishing effects.  Even my Lovely Logger Man is kind of in the same funk – but caused by chronic pain because of a couple horrible logging accidents in his past.  So when I talk to him, and he’s super cranky, it doesn’t help my mood either.  I’m making him cupcakes for his (belated) birthday – I wonder if I should sprinkle some St. John’s Wort in the whipped cream that I put on top. 

I’m just sad right now.  Depleted.  Having a hard time seeing the good.  Even when I sit down to record my gratitude in my journal in the evenings, it’s becoming a real stretch to find things to record.  But thankfully, I’m still able to find something.  So that’s a glimmer of hope.

I’m so happy to have my crazy puppy because she makes me laugh.  Which is another glimmer of hope.

I just pulled up my vacation accrual schedule, and I see that I have about 10 days of vacation time saved up.  I think this weekend when LLM comes down to my place, I’m going to see if I can somehow talk him into a vacation of some sort.  We both need it.  I know he’ll combat it with “I need to work” – but as the saying goes:  “You can get busy living, or you can get busy dying…” And right now, I think work is killing us both.

In utopia, there will be no money, and no need to stay at an un-fulfilling job to make the green monster to continue living unhappily.  In utopia all you’ll have to do is work in your garden, cut wood for winter, take care of your animals and each other, and watch the wildlife.  I know we both need to find that utopia soon.  I wonder if I can talk him into making that move to leave civilization behind.  We both want it bad.  Even if it’s for a year – to take a break and re-kindle our souls.

(Ha – I just got an email offering a free FAM trip to Mexico for meeting planners.  Heh heh.  That would be great.  I need to get my passport….)

What to do?

What to focus on?

What to turn my attention toward?

So many, many things…  I need my focus back.

But right now I’m also pre-occupied with something I can’t do anything about.  A very dear friend of mine has brain cancer.  He’s only around 45 years old.  He’s so completely golden.  A kind soul with not one single malicious atom in his being.  And he’s gravely ill, and with the looks of the type of tumor they removed from his brain, he’s not likely to go another year.  So many prayers going his way.  But are there ever really enough?  I can’t imagine the world without him in it.  I’m crushed.  I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known my best friend – nearly 20 years.  And in all those years I’ve never seen him without a smile.  I’ve never known him to say anything negative.  I’ve never known him to not like anyone.

Without a focus, my mind is being all consumed by thoughts of his sickness.

I need to find my passion for this first part of the year.  The garden is still months away.  There’s not a winter to speak of here this year to focus on skiing.  Maybe I just need to sit down and focus on some goal for this year and pick one to get to work on.

Sending many prayers and healing vibes your way, Jay.

I love you and can’t imagine the world without your smiling face.

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray.
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours.
10.     Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11.    Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present
moment.
13.    Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14.    Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.
24.    You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

Society:
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day give something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything..
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.
31.    Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    GOD heals everything.
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come..
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40.    Please share this with everyone you care about, it’s good advice to remember…

I’m heading up to the sanctuary later this afternoon to spend the Blue Moon and New Years Eve with my Lovely Logger Man.  Have bon fires, drink champagne, play with the hounds and with any luck, eat another wild turkey for dinner.

Although, for many around the country, 2009 was not the best of years.  But thankfully for me, I can’t complain.  It was really a good one for me.  Some of my highlights include:

• Meeting my Lovely Logger Man
• Rescued my puppy from a hard life on the Reservation.
• Did tons of exploring, hiking and hanging out in the beautiful mountains of Western Montana.
• Went hunting for the first time in my life.  We went after (and got!) Grouse, Antelope, Whitetail and Turkey.  No elk this year – maybe in 2010.
• Went to Alaska!!!!!!  And got to go above the Arctic Circle, fly around northern Alaska in a bush plane and watched the northern lights from the top of a mountain while sipping hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps.  Yum!
• Planted, gardened, harvested and preserved to my heart’s content.
• Ate copious amounts of wild huckleberries.
• Learned to embroider, and did lots of other crafting (see My Creative Year)
• Had my sister and my nephew out for a visit.  We hiked, explored, mined for sapphires, made jam, played in the creek and swam in mountain lakes.

I’m sure there were many other wonderful things that I did this year – but this is a short list.  I’m looking forward to a wonderful 2010 with all its own discoveries and challenges.

I contemplated a list of words for my focus this year.  Included were Delight, Gratitude, Creativity, Freedom, Presence, Grace, Exploration, Gentleness, Focus, Ritual, Clarity, Pioneer, Peace, Deliberateness, Integrity. But in the end, the word I came up with is one I really need to work on.  My focus for 2010 is Patience. Wish me luck. 

I wish everyone a safe, happy and wonderful New Years Eve, and a blissful 2010.  Follow your heart, reach out to your soul and nurture those around you.

~by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

So, prompted by ***abbytryagain***, here are my five senses today:

Tasting nothing right now, and I’m pretty hungry.  But I don’t know what I want for lunch today…  It’ll be something on the fly.  Hopefully something that includes chocolate! 

Smelling the peppermint lotion I just put on my hands.  It’s like a giant wake-me-up explosion of yumminess.  I love the smell of peppermint.

Hearing my co-workers discuss this weekend’s play-off game for the local university’s football team.  The University of Montana Grizzlies.  They’re undefeated so far.  And if they win this weekend, next weekend’s game promises to be mayhem.  I think I’ll go.  GO GRIZZLIES!

Feeling hungry.  See “sense” #1. 

Seeing all the beautiful snow in the mountains.  It’s supposed to turn super-duper cold.  But it’s also supposed to snow some more tonight.  I absolutely adore the sight of white capped mountains.

~*~*~ Have yourself a fabulous weekend! ~*~*~